Photo by Liv Bruce on Unsplash

Table of contents

1. Preface

2. Main Article

3. OMFS World

4. Stuff

Preface

🥂 This week, I celebrated being a fellow for ten months.

Ten and a half months ago, I packed my entire life into two suitcases 🧳 (plus one trolley 🎒) and flew halfway around the globe.

🇺🇸 Life here is anything but boring, and my family and I get to experience something really special. 👫👦🏼👦🏻👶🏼

However, there are still a few things I regret. Nothing dramatic, but definitely not things I’m proud of.

1. My diet is terrible, especially when I’m at the hospital for more than 16 hours straight.

2. I’m not getting enough sleep. On average, I only get around 5 and a half hours of sleep, including weekends. My working hours, studying, research, and this newsletter are taking their toll.

3. My jogging habit has suffered. I hardly jogged for months.

The problem: all three are related to my health and well-being. And I prioritize them low. That’s a HUGE problem.

By now, you’ve gotten used to my writing, so you probably expect me to list how I will tackle this and fix it.

But right now, I don’t have a fix.

I promise to write about it when I do.

A month ago, we celebrated firstborn’s 9th birthday.

His birth date marks the day I started to balance ambition and parenting.

It has become my way of life ever since.

Today I’ll share what I’ve learned.

Enjoy #37!

Main Article

Storytime!

🌲 March 2019

I've packed my bags and said goodbye to firstborn 👦 (then, five years old). My mother-in-law will babysit while my wife takes me to the airport.

I picked up secondborn 👶 (then, 1-year-old) for a goodbye and put him down. He reached out for me, and I picked him up again. After the fifth time, I had to leave. Right before closing the door behind me, I saw secondborn crawling quickly to the door so I could lift him again.

💔 It was heartbreaking.

At the airport, I kissed my dear wife goodbye. 💏

The next time I'll see my family will be in 5 weeks.

I hopped on a plane to Portland, Oregon, USA. I flew alone to my research fellowship.

Over the following months, I will visit my family in Israel every month and a half, but other than that, we will be apart.

😦 You must be thinking: "You're crazy! What kind of ambition justifies leaving your family behind and living apart?”

You may be right.

Or not.

✈️ Fast forward, 2023

I'm a surgical fellow in Boston, Massachusetts, USA. I work long hours and have an unpredictable schedule. My pager and phone are constantly with me since I'm always on call.

🏃‍♂️This week, I had to drop everything to get to an emergency in the hospital. Twice.

✨Often, I sleep at the hospital. Sometimes, I operate at night.

Leaving at 05:30 am every day, I rarely see my family in the morning. Once a week, sometimes twice, I don't see them in the evening as well.

😡 You must think: "You're crazy! 4 years have passed since Portland, and you still live in this madness.”

You may be right.

Or not.

Today I would like to share how I make ambition and parenthood coexist.

But before breaking it into topics, let me give you my 2 guiding principles:

🔘There are the things I can control (connection with my kids), and things I can’t (the time I spend at the hospital).

🔘When I’m home, my time is devoted to my family.

Now we’ll break it into Ambition and Parenthood. Then we'll discuss how I make the two coexist.

🧗 Ambition

This is how I perceive ambition 🤔:

Ambition is an urge to push yourself outside of your comfort zone. It can help you grow personally and professionally.

With ambition, you gain a sense of purpose and fulfillment. These, in turn, bring happiness and satisfaction in life ☀️.

And you know what is really cool about ambition?

Your ambition inspires those around you. It creates a positive impact on your environment 🌈.

🧑‍🍼 But what happens when you become a parent?

Suddenly, a small creature, your own creation, becomes a priority.

Suddenly, your free time is cut down by 90%.

Can you do it all in 1/10 of the time?!

Before we dive into that, let's discuss the meaning of being “a good parent.”

👨‍👩‍👦‍👦 Being a Good Parent

Being a good parent means different things to different people. For me, this is what good parenting means:

🔵 Being honest and transparent with my kids, truly hearing what they have to say.

🔵 Encourage them to pursue their passions and interests.

🔵 Encourage my kids to have a positive attitude and outlook on life.

🔵 Provide the tools and resources they need to succeed, and become involved in society.

🔵 Model positive behaviors and values for them to emulate.

🟢 … and always have a lot of fun together.

“As much as we watch what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours.
I can't tell my children to reach for the sun.
All I can do is reach for it myself."
— Joyce Maynard

I listed six bullet points.

The first five 🔵 are unrelated to my free time.

The sixth point 🟢 is related to my free time, but it's not absolute.

That's all well and good. But parenthood and ambition aren't always good friends.

💥 When Parenthood and Ambition Collide

The collision between parenthood and ambition can occur on multiple levels, but in my profession and chosen way of life, it comes down to the time I spend in each world.

😪 During residency, I chose career over family multiple times.

This can be a challenging time for any parent. You may feel guilty for wanting to pursue your ambitions or feel like you are not doing enough for your family.

But my five-year residency, and the time we spent apart while I was in Portland, serve me today. It’s the infrastructure for what I want to model for my children.

🏂 Nowadays, I do everything I possibly can to be 100% present. Every minute I’m home and my children are awake is family time.

🛌 Even if I haven't slept for 36 hours, I will be present. Sleep can wait.

If I break it down to a schedule, this is how it looks like:

🟣 On weekdays, I usually have around 3 hours with them before they go to bed (5:30 pm - 8:30 pm).

🟣 On weekends (currently, Saturday and Sunday), I round at the hospital in the morning. Usually, I'm back home by 10:00 am. That leaves 10 hours a day for protected family time, with exceptions only if I'm called into the hospital.

🚸 When with my kids, I rarely hold my phone or be in front of any screen.

👦🏼👦🏻👶🏼 Instead, I share my day-to-day experiences with them, my challenges, and how my values direct my actions. We talk about how money is a tool and not a goal in life, how not letting fear dictate their actions, and how making the world a better place is an excellent rule to live by.

🏃🏼 Then we start chasing each other, have a tickle battle, or try to take each other off balance by hitting with pillows.

I have three boys. That's the definition of fun.

On weekends, we're more creative, but you get the picture.

"The best way to make children good is to make them happy."
— Oscar Wilde

My Take Home Message:

🏠When I’m home, I’m present.

👨‍👩‍👦‍👦When I'm present, I make it count.

👦🏼👦🏻👶🏼 ...and have fun along the way.

I hope that helps.

OMFS World

🥼For the OMFS resident

AI (Artificial Intelligence) is a wonderful tool that can make studying more productive and enjoyable. I use AI to rephrase and summarize textbooks for me.

If I had AI while studying to my boards, it could have saved me HUNDREDS of hours I wasted on passive learning (summarizing). For my exact system and links to AI tools, check out Issue #36 - How I Use AI as a Surgeon-Scientist.

🩺For the non-MD medical professional

In women over 50 (e.g., postmenopausal) with new-onset abdominal pain, always include ovarian cancer in your differential diagnosis. This is especially important when a woman’s abdominal pain cannot be explained by gastrointestinal (digestive tract) etiology.

Stuff

📱Application I use

I have been using Dropbox for cloud backup since 2008.

However, since I had free unlimited storage on Google Drive through my university, I stored most of my files on Google Drive.

And then my whole Google Drive was accidentally deleted.

Yes.

DELETED.

Google technical support said that nothing could be done to recover my files.

They couldn't care less.

So all the Google Drive users out there, be careful. Google doesn't consider Google Drive a proper backup.

Bye-bye, Google Drive. Never again.

Epilogue

That's it for this issue.

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Have a great weekend!

Shay